And now the hard part... waiting

I've been hesitant to post this because we are now to the point in our IVF journey where I fear anything I say out loud could potentially "jinx" us.  Of course, logically, I know this isn't how it works, but it is still scary nonetheless. 

Our retrieval on Wednesday went really well.  We left Lexington around 5am to get to the doctor's office by 7:45.  Once we were checked in, I changed into a paper robe and fuzzy socks and was taken to the room where they do the procedures... I wouldn't quite call it an operating room because it didn't have the bright lights and feel of a hospital.  The room was freezing though and I couldn't stop shivering until the anesthesia kicked in.

Hunter was doing his "job" in another room so he couldn't be there for the retrieval.  Within a minute or two of starting the anesthesia, I took a REALLY nice nap!  Gotta love anesthesia.  My doctor was on vacation unfortunately, but I had met the other doctor during one of the other tests I had done so I was at least familiar with him.

When they woke me up, I was a little loopy but not feeling too bad.  They took me to a different room to meet Hunter and relax while we waited to talk to a nurse.  I inhaled a bag of Cheese Its that they gave me and drank a bottle of water.  Luckily since the procedure was early, I wasn't feeling too hangry.

We were thrilled when we learned that they were able to get 5 eggs, since that's how many follicles we saw on our last ultrasound.  The nurse told us that we would hear from the embryologist the next day (Thursday) to confirm how many eggs were fertilized.

Leaving the doctor's office... no makeup and a little woozy from anesthesia!

After grabbing a quick bite to eat, we headed home to spend the rest of the day with Hunter's step mom and Sawyer.  We were so happy to hear that he had behaved really well for her all day.  He sure does love his "DeDe"!

On Thursday morning, Debbie and I dropped Sawyer off at preschool and decided to do a little shopping.  I figured staying busy was the best way to keep me from checking my phone every 2 seconds (nope...still looked at it non stop).  I may or may not have yelled at Hunter when he called me and got me all excited thinking it was the embryologist.  We were obviously both really nervous and excited to hear from them!!

Finally, the embryologist called.  He told me that out of the 5 eggs, 3 were mature enough to be fertilized, and all had fertilized.  I was really excited to hear this!  I know compared to many people, 3 doesn't sound like much, but I really just wanted to hear that more than 1 had made it.  We were all able to let out a big sigh of relief.

My doctor called me later that day and seemed excited about the results as well.  She said that unless all of the embryos were developing at the exact same rate, we would likely pick the best and do a transfer on Saturday. 

On Saturday morning, we all headed back to Mt. Pleasant (Debbie and Sawyer included this time) for the transfer.  It was a really quick procedure but was truly amazing to watch, as you can see the catheter placing the embryo in your uterus.  I still have a hard time believing that something so small can turn into a real person!

Everything is going really well so far, but I can't help but feel nervous and anxious.  We are praying so hard that this works.  Part of me is really excited.  I want to look at baby clothes and think of names and imagine Sawyer holding a little brother or sister.  But then another part of me fears that if I let myself get too excited, it will just be a longer fall if this doesn't work.

I have to remind myself constantly (like every minute of every day) that this is in God's hands.  No amount off worry can change the outcome and no amount of joy can jinx it.  We are so grateful for everyone who has been praying for us.  It seems that every time the anxiety starts to feel suffocating, someone reaches out with the perfect text or message or phone call, and I'm able to relax and let my guard down.

We should find out Tuesday if we have any embryos to freeze, and we are hopeful that we will!

Thank you so much again for all of the prayers and well wishes.  God is so good and we are so lucky to have such amazing people on our side during this journey.  If any one has any great ideas for passing the time (that don't include working out or drinking 😜), bible verses or quotes that have helped you through a time of waiting, or IVF success stories, send them my way!

Twas the night before retrieval

Tomorrow is the big day!  My ultrasound on Monday showed that I have 5 mature follicles.  Not quite as many as I had hoped for but it's one more than I had last week so I'll take it!  We are hoping and praying that one of those follicles holds an egg that will eventually become our baby!

I took my trigger shot on Monday night (and have a huge welt on my stomach to prove it) and am done with injections.  Woo hoo!

Apart from the anxiety, the hardest part of planning retrieval has been finding someone to watch Sawyer.  Our doctor's main office is two hours away, and we have to leave at 5am to be there in time for our appointment.  Hunter has to do his *part* at the same time they are doing my retrieval, so there was no way we could bring him with us.

The thought of him waking up to a babysitter he had never met had me in tears.  Luckily, we once again have the best family and friends EVER, and Hunter's step mom is flying here as we speak to watch Sawyer during our appointment and spend the weekend with us.  I am so eternally grateful!  Selfishly, I'm also really excited to have her here because after the retrieval there is more waiting, so it will be wonderful to have someone here to keep me distracted!

As long as they are able to retrieve my eggs tomorrow as planned, we will get a call on Thursday to confirm how many of the eggs were fertilized to become embryos.  Then we will wait another day or two to see how many embryos survive (some may not progress due to chromosomal abnormalities, etc.) As long as my estrogen levels and lining look good, we will move forward with a fresh (ie: not frozen) transfer on either Saturday or Monday.

If there are multiple embryos, and we pray there are, the embryos compete in a beauty pageant which includes a swimsuit competition and talent show.  Just kidding.  They fight it out Hunger Games style to see who will survive.  Or the embryologists looks at them to see which looks like it has the best chance of a viable pregnancy.  Something like that...

Anyway, despite my nerves and anxiety, I'm feeling really good about this whole process.  I trust that God will be with us and the doctor the entire time, as He has been throughout this journey.  We know that once we can hold a sweet newborn in our arms, all of this will have been more than worth it.

Thank you so much for your continued thoughts and prayers.  Each text, Facebook message, phone call, and conversation with those who are thinking about us or who have been on a similar journey has meant so much to us and given us a lot of piece of mind.

I keep thinking of a Bible verse that we focused on at VBS this year, Isaiah 43:2...
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

IVF: Weeks 1-2

Before I begin, thank you SO much to everyone who has reached out to us to offer prayers, positive vibes, and even shared similar experiences.  Infertility can feel so lonely but having such a great support system of family and friends, along with a deep faith that God will get us through this, has made this process more bearable.  So, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you so much.  You have no idea how your words and prayers have helped us through tough times.

Now, onto our IVF treatment.  For anyone reading this who may have gone/will go through IVF, it's important to know that every protocol is different depending on what health issues you or your spouse may have.  After 3 attempts at IUI, my doctor now knows that I am a slow responder to stimulation injections.  This is due to the fact that my ovaries have been very suppressed for, what they consider, a long time.

Many people start their IVF protocol with a month of birth control. My doctor decided to put me on estrogen pills for two weeks instead.  Since estrogen is something I take outside of fertility treatments as part of my hormone replacements, I FINALLY felt normal for two weeks!  I had almost forgotten what it felt like to not be taking hormone injections, so it was a nice reminder that, eventually, I am going to feel normal again! (ie:not crazy)

During those two weeks I also had to have a sonotrial transfer (I might be butchering that name).  Basically it was a mock transfer to make sure everything looked okay with my uterus and ovaries.  They only do this testing at certain times so I was lucky enough to have it scheduled right in the middle of Sawyer's nap time when Hunter was out of town. 🙄 

The doctor could have been taking my lady bits out and I wouldn't have noticed because I was so busy trying to calm Sawyer down.  He loves my nurses (because he sees them all the time!), but watching a new to us, male, doctor perform a procedure on his mama during nap time was enough to make him lose it!  He kept crying out "all done Mama, all done!"  It just broke my heart.  On a positive note, that procedure is known to be painful and I truly was so distracted that I felt nothing!

Everything looked great during the procedure so on the Friday before Labor Day weekend, I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work to see how many resting follicles I had, and check my estrogen levels.  My package of ridiculously expensive medicine arrived and I started my shots that Sunday.

Delivery day!  Those Gonal F Pens only lasted one week 😳

Week 1

Week one was, luckily, not too exciting.  I've been doing injections since February so that part was nothing new.  The doses were higher which caused them to be a bit more painful, but still very manageable.  As a reference for those interested, I took 50 units of HCG in the morning and 350 units of Gonal Fat night.

As expected, my estrogen levels were pretty low to start with.  I went in for an ultrasound on Wednesday, and then another on Saturday.  By Saturday, I had a couple of follicles that were starting to grow, so that was good news!

Big a$$ needle for Cetrotide (meds to prevent me from ovulating early)...seems a little excessive!

 Week 2

Week 2 was full of appointments, because they have to monitor you very closely during IVF.  I had an ultrasound on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday.  I would have gone back in on Friday or Saturday but our offices were closed in anticipation of Hurricane Florence. (We have been lucky here in Lexington with just some rain and light wind- no major damage).

My estrogen level tends to jump very quickly once it starts rising, and it went from 6 at the beginning of week 1 to almost 700 by Thursday of week 2. 

While I was happy to see that things were progressing, I have to be honest and say that I am disappointed and worried about my follicle count. (The follicles are what release an egg.)  As of Friday I had 4 follicles that were maturing, and a few smaller ones that they are hoping will catch up.

A lot of what I have read about IVF talks about women having 20 or more follicles by the time they get to retrieval.  I knew I probably wouldn't have that many but I was really hoping for at least 10.  Usually only about have survive after fertilization, and even more tend to drop off before it is time for implantation.  That being said, quality is certainly more important than quality, because you could have a ton of poor quality eggs.  I still would love to have more than a few eggs though.

My doctor won't do a retrieval for any less than 4 eggs.  If I don't end up with enough mature follicles, we will likely have to switch this cycle to IUI and hope for the best.  We could try IVF again with a different protocol in hope that more follicles would mature, but there is no guarantee.  I should have more answers this week, as some follicles are likely nearing the size they need to be for retrieval. 

I'm really praying that more follicles have matured by my appointment tomorrow and would appreciate anyone reading this to pray for the same.  We have invested so much money and time, and I'm just not sure we will be able to swing another round of IVF right now if this ends up being unsuccessful.  I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard sometimes.  In the end though, I know that this is in God's hands and that we will get through whatever comes our way. 

Pre-IVF infertility treatments: that time we were pregnant for a weekend

After having a rough start to 2017 recovering from two brain surgeries, we knew we wanted to wait until 2018 to start trying for another child.  I remember telling Hunter that I wanted 2017 to be our "Netflix and chill" year, until I found out that phrase isn't really referring to binge watching Netflix on the couch in my pj's. 😂

My OB put me on birth control since my pituitary gland was no longer producing estrogen or progesterone.  I wasn't thrilled with the idea but I was also having menopause symptoms, so this seemed to help in that regard.

In November we met with a reproductive endocrinologist to see what she recommended for us when we were ready to start trying for another kid.  She was confident that as long as all of our testing came back normal (which it did-yay!), we should be able to get pregnant with hormone injections and intrauterine insemination (IUI).  The actual IUI part wasn't 100 percent necessary, but she and my endocrinologist at Duke agreed that it would be worth it since the injections are so costly.  She recommended doing no more than three IUIs, as apparently the success rates drop significantly after the third attempt.

I started injections in February (2018).  The first time I had to give myself a shot in the stomach, I was TERRIFIED!  Despite being a human pin cushion for the last two years, I hate needles and dreaded the thought of having to give myself a shot.  After some deep breathing and a few nervous tears, I sucked it up and got it done.  Even more painful than giving myself the shots was paying for them.  Fertility injections are insanely expensive and our insurance doesn't cover any of it.

When you are doing injections, you have to have blood work and ultrasounds done every few days to measure your estrogen levels and check for follicles.  I had several appointments with estrogen levels that were undetectable (ie: teenage boys were producing more estrogen than I was).  My menopause symptoms were returning and fatigue from low estrogen was starting to drain my energy.  I was frustrated that the medicines weren't working and could tell our doctor was as well.  After a few weeks with no results, she told me to stop the injections so that she could speak to the other doctors in the practice and see what they recommended.

Within a day, she was calling me back and telling me to get back on my medicine immediately.  The other doctors told her that because I had hypopituitarism (from the LH), it would take a long time for my ovaries to stimulate.  They steadily increased my dosages and we waited.  And waited.... and waited some more.

Finally in May, after over two months of twice a day injections, my estrogen levels started to rise and we were able to do our first IUI.  Unfortunately, it ended with a negative pregnancy test.

Our second IUI went faster but ended the same, although mother nature was kind enough to save me the hassle of taking a pregnancy test.

I was nervous to start our third round because I knew it would be our last attempt at getting pregnant with IUI.  By this point we had already invested thousands of dollars in injections and appointments, and the thought of wasting more money just to get a negative result made me sick to my stomach.

Luckily, the third round was our fastest and by the end of July, I was in another dreaded two week wait.  Before doing each IUI, I had to take what's called a "trigger shot" to trigger my body to ovulate.  The shot is HCG, which is the hormone that is detected on pregnancy tests.  Therefore, if you test too early, you could have a false positive if the HCG from the shot is still in your system.

I cheated and tested after 12 days on a Saturday.  To my surprise, I got two pink lines instead of one.  I tried not to get excited, knowing it could be from the trigger shot.  The next day I tested again and the lines were darker.  I knew this meant that my numbers must be rising.  Still, I tried to contain my excitement in case it was a false positive.  Monday, the day I was actually supposed to test, I took a test and the lines were both clearly darker.  I finally allowed myself to feel some excitement.  Hunter and I took Sawyer and our dog on a walk that morning.  We tried talking about anything else we could think of but it was clear that those positive tests were the only thing on our minds.

Positive tests before our miscarriage-referred to as a "chemical pregnancy"

Miscarriage and infertility has a way of making you feel guilty for feeling the joy you should feel when you become pregnant.  Instead of saying things like, "When the baby is born..." you say, "If this even ends up lasting..." or "Not to jump ahead but if we are still pregnant next month..."  It really sucks.  I'd say it's one of the worst parts of everything we've been through... knowing that even if we are lucky enough to get pregnant, we won't be able to truly celebrate until there is a healthy baby in our arms.

I headed to my doctor with Sawyer after our walk to get blood work done.  Our nurse was so excited for us and had already texted some of the other nurses there.  She gave me the go ahead to workout as normal so we headed to the gym.

When we got home from the gym, I called Hunter to let him know I hadn't gotten the blood work results yet but would keep him posted.  Within minutes, I was calling him back to tell him that I had already started miscarrying.  He came home from work and I spent the rest of the day crying.  Sad for another baby we lost, mad that I had allowed myself to get excited so quickly.  I had already thought of my "third time was a charm" lines that I would be using as we told everyone the big news.  Now we would have to tell everyone that our final round of IUI wasn't successful.  Even worse, we would have to discuss the three letters that felt more like a four letter word to us: IVF.